Yaaaaaaaaay Sunshine Millions weekend yaaaayyy Holy Bull Stakes yaaaaaayyyyyy a bunch of other stakes too for a total of TEN STAKES RACES OMG YAAAAAAAY

‘Scuse me. I just rode around in the cold and humid, mostly without stirrups while the half-Thoroughbred, half-Connemara unstoppable speed machine mare under me tried her level best to do a respectable impression of a rocket ship, so… a little tired at the moment. JUST A WARNING ‘CAUSE YOU’LL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO TELL

Let us begin.

The Sunshine Millions Filly & Mare Sprint (Gulfstream Park) kicks off Sunshine Millions day; Jessica Is Back has a class edge on paper, having won the GI Princess Rooney Handicap last summer, but in her last start she flopped as the favourite in the Sugar Swirl Stakes. That makes Amen Hallelujah, a multiple GII winner, a more attractive proposition, particularly since the consistent filly has also tallied a second place finish to Champagne d’Oro in the GI Acorn Stakes. A potential upset may loom, however, with the apparently endlessly talented but extremely inexperienced four-year-old Feel That Fire, who has started only three times but won her last two, including a maiden victory against males. Wildcat Heiress, breaking from the rail, is four for five lifetime though never against such company as these; she has tons of speed. Expect to see her on the lead.

The bafflingly named Askbut I Won’ttell (yes, that is where the spaces go) figures to go off the favourite in the Filly & Mare Turf. Her last two starts were both 9f graded stakes, and she won each one, meaning that if she were to win her race on Saturday it would basically just be routine at this point. However, she will have to contend with Dynaslew, a GII winner at Saratoga in 2010. A full field of fourteen will go to post unless something drastic happens; the race was completely filled including one also-eligible, the improving Jet Blue Girl.

By contrast, only eight go to post for the Sunshine Millions Sprint, topped by GI winner Cost of Freedom, who basically has all the class the race has to offer. If he loses this, then he’s really on his way down, fast.

Two horses in the Turf come into the race undefeated on the grass; they are Jeranimo and Caracortado, and each will surely have his backers. He began his career on green with an allowance victory, and followed that up with the GII San Gabriel Stakes in December. Caracortado won his single grass race two starts back; last out he ran third to record-breakers Twirling Candy and Smiling Tiger in the GI Malibu Stakes. The Usual Q.T. is also an extraordinary turf horse when he puts his mind to it. But there’s an old friend in this race who is not to be forgotten; his name is Presious Passion, and on one magical day in 2009 he nearly grew wings. It would break my heart if he’s nothing left to give, but trainer Mary Hartmann scratched him from an allowance last week to run in this race instead, so… there may be hope.

If GI winner and Eclipse finalist Evening Jewel doesn’t win the Distaff, I may be forced to eat my hat. Briecat looks like the only other legitimate class.

The Classic is nothing if not interesting. A couple of older warriors, Dry Martini and Duke of Mischief, seek to reclaim some of their old glory. Meanwhile, First Dude may be the richest horse ever to be eligible for a non-winners-of-one-except allowance condition, and takes a steep drop in class to try and find the winner’s circle for only the second time in his career. I have been in love with First Dude since the Preakness, when he was basically the biggest character on the backside despite being so little known. For those who aren’t aware, his head is too big, his nose is too Roman and he tries to eat the potted plants. I dare you not to adore him by Sunday.

The GII Forward Gal Stakes at Gulfstream Park is just about the most exciting thing ever. No, okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit, but it makes me squeal and do little backflips in my head because it features R Heat Lightning, a GI winner last seen finishing second in the Breeders’ Cup Juvenile Fillies, against Dancinginherdreams, the porcelain grey ballerina of a filly who has already wormed her way into my heart. Dancinginherdreams is undefeated in two starts, including a last-to-first maelstrom of a finish at Keeneland in her debut and a thorough whipping of the GII Pocahontas field at Churchill. Furthermore, she’s been training like a bull lately. Other threats come from stakes winners Devilish Lady (who is on a four-race winning streak and is already a veteran of ten starts) and Alexandra Rylee.

The filly Switch, perhaps best known for coming within a half-length of taking down Zenyatta, bids for her second consecutive GI victory in the Santa Monica Stakes. Last out, she set a stakes record in the GI La Brea at seven furlongs, the distance of the Santa Monica. And honestly? I can’t see anyone in here beating her.

Finally, the GIII Holy Bull Stakes. So begins the Gulfstream road to Louisville: Rick Dutrow has withdrawn Boys at Toscanova from the race because, apparently, he wasn’t showing the same energy he had at Saratoga. I think that’s Dutrow for “He’s an Officer colt and he’s tailing off already.” That leaves a wide-open field, potentially led by GIII Delta Jackpot winner Gourmet Dinner; other horses with serious shots are Mucho Macho Man (who is perhaps the three-year-old with the best worktab in Florida), Major Gain, Dialed In and Black N Beauty. My favourites in this race are Black N Beauty and Mucho Macho Man, in that order; Black N Beauty is an Ontario-bred (HAVE I MENTIONED I’M CANADIAN) son of Devil His Due, a stallion who has unfairly fallen out of fashion. He’s gorgeous, he’s improving, he’s very quick, but then so is Mucho Macho Man–and I’ve already mentioned Macho’s awesome series of works. I love them both. They’re my hypothetical boxed exacta.

Oh, and for fans of Curlinello, the Holy Bull should prove a litmus test of sorts as to his class; the horse who beat him in their last two starts, Sweet Ducky, has also been entered.

And finally: the thought process that went into choosing Bernardini. Interesting tidbit therefrom: Zenyatta has a half-sister by Bernardini named Eblouissante. That’s “AY-blue-ee-SONT,” French for dazzling, and I literally cringe when I think of how the track announcers are going to mangle it.